As you might imagine it is easier to save a marriage that is still intact than one in which the process of separation has begun. That being said, there are ways to save a marriage even after you are living apart. First, you must have a sincere and strong desire to reconcile and most importantly, you must believe that this is possible.

Protect yourself from negativity

Many well-meaning friends will tell you that your separation is the beginning of the end. They will advise you to get on with your life, to get your own lawyer, or to start dating other people. They will tell you why you might be better off apart, that you can do better, that it’s all for the best. Don’t listen to them. That kind of talk will undermine your resolve.

If what you really want is to save your marriage then, I repeat, resist this kind of input at all costs. It isn’t easy. Often when people see how upset you are, it drives up a number of uncomfortable emotions in them. To ease their own discomfort they tell you what you should do with your life. They may mean well but they don’t necessarily want for you what you want for yourself. Be clear about your intention and leave no room for doubt in your mind.

Change Your Perspective

Often when separation happens, we tend to “awfulize” or “catastrophize.” We think, “This is the worst things that could ever happen to me” or “It’s hopeless now. I’ll never get her/him to forgive me or take me back.” Don’t go there. Rather than ruminate over your situation or your mistakes, change your perspective on your relationship. This isn’t the end of the world and it’s not necessarily the end of your marriage. It’s just a chapter in your life and there will be many more. You can’t really predict how things will unfold as the following example demonstrates. I once worked with a couple who fought horribly all the time. After 16 years together, they finally divorced and both remarried within a few years. The second marriages were not successful and their three children didn’t like either of their new step parents. After two years, the husband and the wife each divorced their new spouses and then remarried each other and as far as I know are a lot happier than they were the first time around. I’m not making this up. Anything is possible. You don’t really know the future despite how predictable it may seem at any particular moment.

I’ll have more ideas and some practical steps you can take to save your marriage in my next article.

-Jim