Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Years ago, I read somewhere that relationships are forever, that they may appear to end but they really don’t.  At the time, I immediately dismissed the idea  as nonsense citing many cases where people I once knew were out of my life completely.

Now I think there is some truth to that statement and I notice how having that belief has changed my behavior and attitude toward people—especially the ones with whom I have been in conflict.

What changed my mind was the three years during which  I consulted with the auto industry. I would see managers and salesmen get fired for cause from one dealership only to pop up down the street at another.  This happened all the time.  It was like watching a “whack-a-mole” game.

More surprisingly, those same people would often get rehired a few years later at the same dealership that threw them out.  How could this be?  At the time of their firing, I remember thinking, “OK, they’ve really ruined things this time. They’ll never be able to show their face around here again.” Not so. The industry is quite forgiving.

Since that experience, I have seen a similar pattern in many other industries. After Norv Turner’s horrible football seasons coaching the Washington Redskins, I thought he would just slink off into the shadows. Nope. Next thing I knew he was having a winning season with the San Diego Chargers. I had already dismissed him. What did they see that I missed, I wondered?

In my experience, the people we can’t stand are with us forever because they are still in our thoughts and feelings. Just mentioning their name reveals that they still take up space in our heads–enough to justify why we don’t accept them.  More importantly, they point to our unwillingness to forgive –not just them, but ourselves.

Conversely, what if we never really lose the loved ones we think are gone?  They live in our thoughts and feelings as well and to a certain degree continue to influence us in our daily lives.

This belief has also made me more conscious of people I am close to now.  While they are in my physical presence, I make sure the ones I love know how I feel, how grateful I am for their relationship.

Believing that relationships are forever has made me more compassionate and mindful of how I treat people. Even in conflict, I try to legitimize the other person’s point of view when I can and see them less as a perpetrator and more as someone who just sees things differently than I do.

If we can’t get rid of the people we dislike it means we should probably try to be at peace with them since we are liable to run into them again.  Who knows? We may even do business with them.